Jason spent 200 days in reserve duty as a combat soldier, witnessing, in his words, “some of the most horrific things.” Then he came home to his small family near Kfar Saba only to find they couldn’t truly understand what he had been through.
Jason, who cannot use his full name for security reasons, says the months in uniform took a heavy emotional and physical toll on him, his wife, and their two young children, both under age 2.
You come home, and it’s safe — but you don’t know that home anymore. You and the people close to you are living in two different worlds.
“You come home excited to see your spouse, to get a big hug from your family,” he said. “But in some families, you just cannot talk about what you saw. Or you choose not to talk about what you experienced, and you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world from down south. You come home, and it’s safe — but you don’t know that home anymore. You and the people close to you are living in two different worlds.”
Jason knows fellow soldiers who returned to children who wouldn’t speak to them — kids angry or upset that their parents had been away. He says it’s hard to be a good father, husband, and role model when the person you are at home is so different from the person you must be on the battlefield.
“I remember putting my son to sleep,” Jason recalled, “and seeing a message in our unit’s WhatsApp group about a mission. I wanted to be there and also be present for my son at the same time. It was incredibly difficult.”
He said Israel is unique in that soldiers fight just a short drive from their homes. One moment, they can be on the battlefield; the next, they’re in their living room, leaving little time to decompress or reorient. Yet, Jason added, the IDF never gave him any guidance on handling life at home after returning from war.
I never got an organized message about what to do as a father coming home from anyone
“I never got an organized message about what to do as a father coming home from anyone,” Jason said, noting he had to look for resources elsewhere.
Some soldiers, he explained, return as different people — experiencing nightmares, becoming easily triggered, or showing other symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. These struggles can take a toll on the family and sometimes even rub off on them. “It’s concerning and confusing,” he said.
The challenges weren’t only for the returning soldiers. For example, some mothers experienced postpartum depression after giving birth while their partners were away. Others, left to manage children on their own, struggled to maintain a stable environment.
The kids are then living under stress, which can affect their concentration, attention, and patience
“The amount of stress and pressure that comes from being a single parent not by choice, knowing your spouse is fighting in a war zone — there is a ripple effect on the kids,” Jason said. “The kids are then living under stress, which can affect their concentration, attention, and patience.”
However, he noted that in his case, with younger children, this was less evident.
That ripple effect is not just anecdotal — researchers say it’s measurable.
Shortly after the war began, a group of mothers and researchers from several Israeli universities joined forces to study the mental health of parents during wartime and how it affected their children.
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“We tried to look at resilience among parents and see if it was connected to child outcomes,” explained Dr. Dana Lasri from the Hebrew University’s School of Social Work. “We looked at whether a parent can regulate their own emotions in an adaptive way, whether that relates to their children’s mental health, and we looked at parent burnout.”
She noted that burnout occurs when a parent becomes emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for their children during stressful times. The researchers wanted to understand whether this exhaustion influences the children’s well-being.
The group surveyed 500 parents one month after the war started and again six months later. They found that one parent’s deployment impacted the children if burnout levels were high.
Child adaptation to war and mental health depends on the mom’s ability to nurture and provide good parenting
“Child adaptation to war and mental health depends on the mom’s ability to nurture and provide good parenting,” Lasri told The Media Line. “We found that burnout is crucial. If your partner is still on duty and you are stressed about his situation — worried about him — it lowers your ability to be there for your child and affects your child.”
If a child experienced a stressful event, if he has others to take care of him, to put him at the center, this lowers the effect of the war on the child
She added: “If a child experienced a stressful event, if he has others to take care of him, to put him at the center, this lowers the effect of the war on the child.”
Lasri stressed that the team has not recently re-polled these parents but plans to conduct another round. Like Jason, she noted that Israelis are in a unique situation — not only are spouses often on the front lines, but parents at home are also living through the war, under rocket fire and other threats.
A separate study of adolescents ages 15 to 18 that Lasri was involved in found that as many as 40% were experiencing clinically significant symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and around 30% had clinically significant levels of anxiety as well as depression.
Noa Cahana-Buskila, head of the Youth and Young Adults Division at Enosh – The Israeli Mental Health Association, said that all Israelis have fewer emotional reserves and less resilience today than they did at the start of the war, and children are no exception.
Enosh is seeing a rise in violence, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and delinquency.
The youth referred to us have more complicated situations than they did in the past
“The youth referred to us have more complicated situations than they did in the past,” Cahana-Buskila said. In earlier years, a young person might come in with one apparent difficulty, such as being afraid of something or experiencing anxiety. “Today’s children describe deep sadness, great fear, and more,” she explained.
“Today, we are talking about an average of 2.6 issues for every referral,” she added. “The problems and the treatments are more complicated.”
Cahana-Buskila said she sees that youth are more willing to open up during treatment, but they struggle to share their problems at home. Many don’t want to tell their parents what they are going through because they fear it will upset them, especially if one of the parents is serving in the reserves.
In some cases, she said, the team has seen children lose trust in the parent who is away or fear that the parent might die. In other cases, they distance themselves emotionally, so they won’t have to feel the sadness as intensely.
At the same time, the parent left at home is often struggling as well — sometimes even dealing with depression — and may not be emotionally available for the children.
In extreme situations, middle and high school students take on the worry and role of a parent to help when one of the parents is away.
Cahana-Buskila also noted that in the case of displaced families, teenagers have sometimes lived alone or in a different environment during the war. Adjustment can be difficult when families reunite, such as in Kiryat Shmona. Teenagers might feel they can care for themselves or have grown accustomed to making more decisions independently.
An added layer is the backdrop of ongoing national challenges over the past five years. Cahana-Buskila said some of these issues began surfacing during COVID-19, then intensified with the events of Oct. 7 and the added stress of the Iran-Israel war.
“We really need to understand all aspects of this story better,” Cahana-Buskila told The Media Line. “We are in a continual series of complicated events that started with corona, and for sure, all of this is impacting what we see today.”
But Cahana-Buskila is not entirely pessimistic. She believes that while no one in the country will “be the same,” people can still grow from the tragedies.
“Our youth are strong,” she said. “We have what to work with.”
We need to believe in the strength of our youth. We must tell them that you will be strong again even if you feel weak now.
She added: “We need to go into this with our eyes open but in a soulful manner. We need to believe in the strength of our youth. We must tell them that you will be strong again even if you feel weak now.”
She noted one statistic that can be seen in a positive light: a 22% increase in friends referring friends to Enosh. This means that not only are those who use the program having a positive experience, but they are also not afraid to tell others they are getting help and to recommend hope to them.
“The youth are our future, and we need to be responsible for them, see what they need, and think of out-of-the-box solutions,” she added.
Another reservist, Itay, who spent 300 days in the reserves and has three daughters between the ages of 2 and 10, said that he and his wife have struggled too. But, as Cahana-Buskila described, he has tried to take the challenge positively.
“What my wife and I are trying to do is to explain why I am doing reserves and how important it is to be a part of this historical period, even with all of its difficulties,” Itay, who also could not use his full name, told The Media Line.
He admitted that the constant cycle of going in and out of reserves has been a challenge for the girls. Sometimes, when he goes to the market, they worry he has left again for an extended period. But he also said that “everything hard and difficult is supposed to help you grow.”
It is important for kids’ education that they know they are playing a role in a very important era
His goal, he explained, is to help his children build resilience and understand that it has never been easy to be part of the Jewish nation and today is no different. At the same time, “it is important for kids’ education that they know they are playing a role in a very important era.”